I Love You, But –

If you eat relationships for breakfast, this is for you.

It’s insane how many times my mind can change within 24 hours. When it comes to romantic love, I’m constantly picking petals off the rose of my indecision. Do I love him? Does he love me? Is it worth the risk? Why am I so unsure about something so important?

Fickle and erratic, I flicker between infatuation and dismissal in no time at all.

When did I become so quick to give up when I don’t receive love the way I want it?

I’m clingy. I want all your affection, I want you to be all in, completely head over heels. Even though I’m not sure about you, I want you to be 100% sure about me.

I affix myself to people I love passionately and carelessly. I don’t feel any hesitation until I’ve already leapt off the proverbial ledge. “Oh, I shouldn’t have jumped, I’m going to die,” I think as I fall straight down into a pit of affection.

Most of the time, as you can imagine, jumping doesn’t work out in my favor.

Whether you’re my friend or my boyfriend…I will ask of you what I cannot possibly deliver myself.

Don’t hurt my feelings with your words. Don’t overpromise and underdeliver. Don’t remind me of ways he hurt me. Don’t touch the sensitive parts of my soul. I am an invisible land mine. I am a series of trip wires. I am a compilation of broken promises and hurt feelings waiting to detonate.

And trust me, I’ll love you. Until you disappoint me.

Then it’s all bets off. It’s “here we go again.” It’s “sound the alarms.”

Are all twenty-somethings like me? Are we all carrying our heartbreak around like a badge to be proud of? Are we singing the national anthem of our past pains, like Taylor Swift sings in “New Romantics”? I’m tempted to believe that we’re all so messed up by people we loved once that whoever loves us next will have to traverse with us;  journey through the ashes of the futures we built up and watched burn down before our eyes. All in an attempt to find closure.

Love returned less forcefully than it’s given feels like making cookies, watching your love chew them and immediately afterwards spit into a napkin in disgust. It’s a failure. Chock it up to the oven temperature or the amount of salt. Either way, it was a mistake.

Rejection is a nasty cookie in your mouth. It’s an affirmation that you are, really, as impossible to love as you believe.

How does Bieber put it? To receive love you have to…what? Oh yeah. LOVE. YOUR. FREAKING. SELF.

If you’re a Christian…this means leaning into who Jesus says you are and the worth He ascribes to you first.

You’re not going anywhere if you don’t tap into who you are, outside the context of the person you’re into at the moment.

For a so-called “independent person”, I spend a considerable amount of time day-dreaming about a life with someone. Cheesy but true. It’s the same daydream, different guy. Wash and repeat. It’s exhausting building your hopes up and hastily tearing them down, only to build them up again; like heartbreak clockwork.

Let’s stop the cycle, shall we? The right person will stop the world for you. The right person will stop the world for me. So stop orbiting them like the sun, & I will too.

love,

angela

 

 

 

 

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2 Replies to “I Love You, But –”

  1. Angela, Your GREAT!!! I know work with NGEN Radio, so you may already hear how God loves you. I’m not really here to tell you it again. I wanted to say you rock & I enjoy your radio show. Never give up Gods got an epic Man out their for you, Angela.

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