Yeah. I’m a Fool.

I hope she’ll be a fool—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool. – Daisy, “A Great Gatsby”

These are the days that will define me.

The days when I struggle to wake up in the morning, not leaving bed until way after noon. The days when my purpose starts to get cloudy, when everything blurs together and I can’t see straight. Lately I’ve been opening my eyes every morning and sighing. I feel old beyond my years, body aching from the day before, eyes unfocused and unsure. These are the days when every word feels like a fight, every conversation another opportunity to get hurt. Every day I don’t get that text I’ve been longing for, that glimpse of hope that I won’t have to go this alone for much longer, something in me evaporates and dies.

But I’m also reborn.

I’m tired of a lot of things. Tired of him not texting back, tired of hoping he will, tired of looking around for the next one to take his place. If  ☑he ☑checks ☑three ☑of ☑my ☑twenty ☑boxes, then he gets all of my attention, he gets shot to the front of my brain like a pinball in an arcade. The next scene has my head aching from the back and forth and the continual pinging from here to there! It’s not right but I. Keep. Trying. To Force. It.

The Great Gatsby’s Daisy has a mind clouded by delusion. She’s trapped in her own sick web of failed hope and relationships that make her feel like she’s drowning. And she’s too weak to change anything. So she vainly wishes that above all, her daughter will be ignorant, so MAYBE she won’t have to feel the pain of knowing too much. The pain of knowing you could have done the right thing if you were strong enough and having to live with the regret that you didn’t, and you weren’t.

I REFUSE to invite myself to a pity party like the one Daisy threw for herself. I’m a fool, that’s for sure. I’m a fool for love. I’m a sucker for late night phone calls. I get weak in the knees when he holds my door and picks up the tab and shows me his favorite music. And most days I’m so ready to be in love again! I may be what some call a fool, but I refuse to let the negative parts of my overeager heart define or control me.

Every time I fight through the pain of my dashed expectations and my failed hopes, I’m overcoming my greatness weakness and my crippling foolishness. I’m learning to stop seeing an unanswered text to a confirmation that I’m not enough, yet again.

I’m learning to pick up my pride and move on.

On days like these, I am exceedingly thankful for Christ. Without Christ, I would be rendered vegetative by my own thoughts. Thoughts that scream of my insignificance, that remind me incessantly of my failures.

But there’s this little voice, singing above the noise. I can only hear it sometimes, like when I’m sweating on the elliptical, working my body out so hard I drown out the sound of my own thoughts. In those moments it comes through clearly, like the perfect FM transmission. It says: “Keep going. Keep working. Keep moving. I’ve got you.”

TEXAS IS HARD, I reply. I WANT HOME.

“Home is with me. It always has been. Keep going.”

Maybe the answer to all my questions is “Not yet.” And maybe that’s ok.

love,

Angela

Advertisements

3 Replies to “Yeah. I’m a Fool.”

  1. Hi Angela, I just read your blogs on NGEN and really liked what you had to say. I’ve listened to you for a while now and have always enjoyed when you’re on, but have never tried looking you up until now. Anyway, just read through some of your Twitter (you seem cool btw) and wanted to leave you a message, but 128 wasn’t going to cut it so I tried DMing but apparently that doesn’t work if you’re not followers so I’m breaking rules and using WP comments and trying to rewrite what I had already written (don’t you hate that, it never comes out as good as before)…. so forgive me.

    Anyway about two months ago God brought the topic of identity up to me since I struggle knowing who I am (now I’m singing NF in my head) and I’ve been seeking it out ever since. I work with a young pastor and a few weeks ago felt like I should ask if he’d ever preached on identity, to my surprise he said he had just preached on it. We didn’t have time to chat, but later on that day he sent me a link to a guy named Todd White, not sure if you’ve heard of him. Well that night I actually watched the video and found out Todd is all about identity and knowing who we are. I’ve learned a ton about my identity in Christ and I don’t just mean intellectual knowledge so I can give “Christian” answers to people, but I mean actually really deep down in my heart God is moving and creating and changing me. Anyway, for whatever reason I just got a feeling you might also enjoy listening to Todd White’s preaching. Fair warning his videos are usually really long, but totally worth it IMO. So if you’re curious just search for Todd White on YouTube and pick whatever video of his you feel led to watch. I really believe it will be worth your time or anyone else who happens upon this.

    So thanks for what you do, you make NGEN better and apparently you also have a pretty neat blogging ministry too, which is totally rad. And remember God not only loves you he likes you. You have a right to exist, and you don’t have to earn it or feel anxiety about whether you’re accepted, because you’ve been predestined from the foundation of the world by a very loving Father who made you righteous.

    Here’s to really becoming who we are,

    Aaron

      1. np, but for reals though to be annoyingly persistent check out that Todd White guy. I mean I realize whenever I’m super pumped about something and then I share it with someone else they are never as excited or impacted as I was. But maybe someday they will be. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s