I am weary.
I’m not talking about a physical weariness – I slept splendidly last night (for the first time in my brand new dorm room!) – I’m talking about an emotional weariness, a deep-seated discontentment with who I am.
“What?” you ask. “I know a couple of things about you, and I know that you spent a summer in Nashville, your favorite city, and you interned in the music business. That’s what you want to do in life…isn’t it?? How could you be weary emotionally? Your life is pretty good.”
You, hypothetical sir, are entirely correct. Everything is great.
I spent a summer in Nashville. I interned at a really nice record label called Centricity. I learned a lot about A&R and marketing. I did a lot of work with awesome people, had a lot of fun, visited places I’d only dreamed about, and met people I’ve admired for a long time.
I had fun outside of the label too! I made friends, took the town, stayed out late and visited new places, turned up the music and stopped worrying about my future for two seconds. I had an absolutely incredible 3 months, definitely some of the best of my entire life, and yet as I sit here ready to begin my sophomore year at Cedarville with a bunch of valuable music biz experience under my belt, and I am deeply dissatisfied.
I am in another one of my funks. This time, I’m discontent and discouraged.
I feel like I suck at everything.
I don’t know if you know what it’s like to be criticized about what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is intensely humbling, crushing, defeating, and necessary all at once.
I am awful at taking criticism. It makes me want to go hide and cry and come back with tear-stained brave face a couple minutes later. I am a sensitive soul, a people pleaser; I want everything to be happy and I want people to be happy with me. The second I get corrected, insulted, or criticized I just want to throw my hands up and apologize profusely and somehow remove my problematic self from the situation.
Growth takes pain. Learning takes correction and criticism. This summer I experienced both. And you want to know something sad?
All I can see right now is the sad stuff.
I look bad on this summer and I just think sad.
The hard days. The days when I felt so awful at whatever I was doing that I wanted to call my mom and pack my bags and abandon this crazy stupid dream of being an artist manager. I had some days that I convinced myself that the music business couldn’t possibly be for me, that I wasn’t cut out for it and I wouldn’t ever be ready to enter it.
I was ready to throw my dreams in the trash.
Since my freshman year of high school, when I feel like God kind of set me on this path to work towards serving artists for a living, I have been dreaming of working as an artist manager for a band I believe in. Ever since then, I’ve been reaching towards this dream, meeting people and networking, getting to know the music. And all it took was one bad day to make me start considering other career options.
Does this mean that the music business isn’t for me?
Anything worth doing is going to be hard.
I am an overly enthusiastic, passionate person. I have so much to learn in terms of when I should talk and when I should be quiet, when my opinion is better off being kept to myself.
Okay. Lesson learned. I choose to take that knowledge about myself and use it to grow and get better.
I am tired of growing discouraged by my perceived failures. All I’ve heard lately is correction, and my heart longs to be encouraged.
“Just tell me I’m doing alright,” my heart cries, “please, just tell me I’m okay the way I am”.
My Savior has some different things to say about me than the devilish voices of my mind.
I say I’m WORTHLESS. He calls me his WORKMANSHIP.
I am NOT the ugly mess of a person I see myself as.
I am a daughter of God. Call it stereotypical or overly Christian, I don’t care.
I am so sick of believing my own lies about my identity. I have gotten into a slump this past week thinking nobody really likes the real me. That is utterly ridiculous, a lie from the mouth of Satan.
God loves me. He’s growing me. I’m imperfect but perfectly loved.
I have a radio show, people in my life that love me and want the best for me, and I have friends in Tennessee who are excited to see who I become in the future. I have a fresh, brand new at Cedarville ahead of me that’s sure to be less dramatic and tragic than last year, full of possibilities for community and personal growth.
I’m sitting here alone in my dorm (I’m back a week early for Resound (our radio station on campus)’s boot-camp week)…excited for it to be full of lovely friends in under a week’s time, I’m reading Bible verses about my identity in Christ and feeling my heart relax. I just Googled “Bible verses about identity in Christ”…here’s a list if you want it: http://voices.yahoo.com/bible-verses-our-identity-christ-gods-view-5563445.html?cat=34.
let’s stop believing Satan’s lies about who we once and for all. every day, let’s go out secure in who God says we are. no more of this crap about how awful of people we are.
I am going to keep telling myself, I am CHRIST’S BELOVED, and I’m FREAKING GOING TO BE IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE GOD HAS CALLED ME AND I WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE PERSON I NEED TO BE TO GET THERE.
My future is secure.
here are some pictures of my life: