Greetings, reader [s]. I changed my blog theme today – quite an improvement as well as a dramatic change. No more picture of me with my back to the camera, facing the seemingly unending onslaught of waves at Hilton Head Island as the background. Replace that with a plain white background that gets the job done and you have the brand new MyHeartYearnsWithinMe. This theme is quite utilitarian – it gets the job done and looks simple too.
Anyways, hello! I wanted to share with you some of the ways God has completely rearranged my heart’s priorities this past week. I’m going to spill my guts via some internet site that anyone can access because I want to shed light on the goodness of God. He is sovereign over my situation here and now.
Let’s just say that I didn’t realize the complete adultery of my heart.
It just slipped in, like a silent assailant.
I actually thought I was doing “well”.
That was my first sin – failing to recognize and even accept the fact that despite my continual grasps at perfection, I will always be a sinner! I needed to realize, like Paul did, that despite what I do, how I try to balloon my works into a beautiful offering to the King, I will NEVER BE WITHOUT A CONSTANT SIN STRUGGLE. Every day is going to bring the war against my flesh. When I think I have it all together it just means I’m ignorant of what’s plaguing my soul. I guess that’s what hurt me the most this time around.
Here was my issue:
I am the worshiper of a false god. I am the worshiper of an idol.
That idol is this fictitious idea that having a man in my life will somehow make the lonely longings of my soul cease and everything empty in my heart full and I will finally be able to stop seeking and longing and wanting because he’ll be there.
HELLO – THAT IS IDOLATRY!
Christ is my sole provider – CHRIST IS MY SATISFACTION! I am NEVER CONTENT with the God who knows me infinitely better than any man ever could – I am, essentially, a faithless woman cheating relentlessly on her perfect husband in favor of imperfect idols.
Do you know what made this sin struggle glaringly obvious when before it was simply tucked away in the shadows of my heart? My friends. They intervened. They saw what I couldn’t – that my heart was outwardly professing my love for my Savior and inwardly growing in relationship with Him, but because I was never CONTENT in Him I was constantly finding excitement and enjoyment in the men around me.
I had a moment right after my friends pointed out my sin that I just went into my dorm room, sat down at my computer, typed up a strongly worded private post, praying earnestly to God and begging Him to take these ridiculous longings away from me. I cried like a baby. I emerged from my dorm room an hour or so later completely renewed.
I’m not saying by any means that I am this completely independent woman who can stop the longings for my future husband on impulse and always deviate my thoughts to Jesus, because I certainly am far too depraved a sinner to pretend that’s the truth.
Before this experience, if you would have asked me if I’m ready for a relationship, I would have said, “Yes…I think I finally am”.
This whole experience has taught me that no, I’m not ready for a relationship yet. The Lord has taught me that love will find me, I won’t find love. Patience is the most hard concept for my heart to grasp.
So the “Music Business” part of the title – I’m trying to write a research paper all about artist rights…it’s supposed to be 4-5 pages. Talk about intense – I checked out 9 books at the library and spent the better part of the day yesterday reading through all of them mining for nuggets of wisdom. This paper may or may not be one of the hardest endeavors I’ve ever attempted. I definitely love this topic – I love fighting for the rights of artists to just compensation – they’re getting ripped off on so many levels! It feels like the entire world is against me because people like free music more than they like rewarding the people who gave it to them.